Am I a robot

Sometimes people pretend you are a bad person so they don't feel guilty for how they treated you. I found this on instagram and it resonated with me. I'm often accused of being a bad person with no explanation why. I'm often told that I lie and I cannot be trusted. I'm called a psychopath. This list could go on and on.  as far as lies are concerned this accusation is ridiculous. First of all I have nothing to lie about. I have no secrets and a fairly boring life. I go to work and sleep and eat. Not sure what I could lie about. I also do not care about other ppl opinions about me so I have no reason to make things up. This is not all however. I absolutely detest lying. This is one of my core values that is really deeply embedded into who I'm. I cannot lie even if I wanted to. A few lies I said when I was a kid still haunt me. I have no idea why my partner believes I lie and says that I cannot be trusted. I'm also on the spectrum and I often make a mistake of sayi...

 This is one of those "my life is so ridiculous I don't know how to describe it" notes. Our daughter is going to a camp on Monday. She needs a suitcase to pack. We have a pile of suitcases in the shed so we went there and picked one. Once we brought it home we were told that we were not allowed to use it as it belonged to my partner. We tried another one - the same story. Somehow she owns the suitcases. For me they are family property. Anyone can use them. Even if a neighbour came and asked to borrow one I would not hesitate to let him use whichever he wanted. However our daughter is not allowed. It got to a point when my partner decided to change the code and lock them so no one could use them besides her. This is just silly, like a kid in a sandpit taking his bucket away so others cannot use it. I spent an hour talking about it and no matter what my arguments were I didn't accomplish anything. Even before I got home (this whole situation happened when I was away) I ...

I'm away, with kids and I get a text message, out of the blue, saying: "You have fallen low. Blocked access to apple payments". The message is weird and very impersonal. It seems that my partner had issues paying (for the game!) and immediately assumed that I blocked the card. Why? I have never done anything like that. We have equal access to all the accounts. Well, almost equal as at some point in the past my partner opened her own accounts with a different login to the one we share and I have no access to that. However, all our shared accounts are under the same login to the bank that we didn't change for decades. Anyway, this assumption was like a slap in the face. No amount of explanation was enough to convince her that I had nothing to do with this. Not to mention that I had almost no reception where we were staying.  When we got back home I checked the apple settings and they lost the expiry date on the card. Funny enough this convinced my partner that I indeed ...

 At the beginning of my partner's preoccupation of a mobile game, I found it, to be frank, beneficial. We had less random arguments as she was busy and didn't pick any idle fights. The house was more peaceful. This seemed to be a typical short lived new activity or something similar to obsession with tennis on TV during tournaments. Nothing out of ordinary. Some time later when the activity lasted longer than usual I started to worry a bit but still expected it to end any day. Then when the game started to gobble too much of our money I tried some gentle conversations. At $600 mark there was remorse and I thought the problem was solved and that she finally saw what was happening. At $2000 mark, a few months later, there was denial and excuses. At this point I was really worried. The money is not a problem here (not the main one). The amount of time sunk into a mobile game is. I tried some gentle suggestions like "imagine what you could have painted in that time" or le...

Recently I decided to change how I interact with my partner. I realised that when I talk about my feelings or problems I'm being dismissed and not really understood. On top of that often my honesty was later used against me in some pointless argument. So I decided to stop explaining myself, to stop defending myself and generally to stop volunteering any information about me. Trying to defend or explain myself usually lead to an argument anyway because "I was making excuses" and "I'm full of bullshit" or "I'm a liar" etc. Fair enough, I get that my way of thinking is so different that maybe my partner cannot understand it no matter how much I try to explain it. Anyway, coincidentally, a video popped up in my YouTube feed about narcissism. The clickbait title made me click and watch it and what blew my mind was that the advice of Dr. Ramani. She said that when interacting with narcissists,  you should do exactly what I decided to do - "do no...

Today's quote of the day is: "it is my revenge time for all the years of suffering" this is what was "broadcasted" to me from the kitchen today. Left me a bit speechless to be honest. The meaning is so deep and hurtful on so many levels that it leaves no room for reply or any action. It is both an accusation for ruined past and also a promise of a future that is not worth looking forward to. I was told many times that I ruined my partner life and took the best years from her. I do not know what I did. I thought we had a good life together. Sure last couple of years are were not great but decades before that were good. Now I'm learning that not only they weren't good but that I also make my partner suffer. Probing questions however, never revealed anything and I still have no idea where I went wrong in my life. What mistakes did I make? I must have made some mistakes. Everyone makes them. Never, however, I had any intentions to harm anyone or cause anyone...

Sometimes the ideas my partner has are so wild that I literally have no idea how to react. Every now and then I walk our dog. I tried to be helpful and when I see that my partner doesn't feel like it I volunteer to help. I also discovered how to turn it into an exercise so I do not mind. My partner is also really into dogs so I try to pay attention to other dogs we meet and make some conversations about it. This is one of the topics I know she will respond well to. So far so good. But... in my partner's suspicious mind there is a doubt and she accused me of only volunteering to go with the dog because I want to meet with a women in the park. I did mention meeting her twice with a lovely puppy. I do not even know what she looks like as I was paying attention to the dog (to talk about) so maybe I'm going to the park to have a date with a puppy... no way to win. Now when I mention that i can take the dog I have to face some not very nice comments about my assumed meeting. Anot...