no more engagement?

Recently I decided to change how I interact with my partner. I realised that when I talk about my feelings or problems I'm being dismissed and not really understood. On top of that often my honesty was later used against me in some pointless argument. So I decided to stop explaining myself, to stop defending myself and generally to stop volunteering any information about me. Trying to defend or explain myself usually lead to an argument anyway because "I was making excuses" and "I'm full of bullshit" or "I'm a liar" etc. Fair enough, I get that my way of thinking is so different that maybe my partner cannot understand it no matter how much I try to explain it. Anyway, coincidentally, a video popped up in my YouTube feed about narcissism. The clickbait title made me click and watch it and what blew my mind was that the advice of Dr. Ramani. She said that when interacting with narcissists,  you should do exactly what I decided to do - "do not engage or engage as minimal as possible". Her rule was "don't go deep, don't defend, don't engage, don't explain and don't personalise". Right, this is what I decided to do as nothing else worked so far in my relationship. Here is a quote from the video transcript that summarise where I'm at in my life right now:

but I want them to hear my point of view, they're not listening they're not listening and sometimes people say but I want to defend myself I said if you want to then do it then be prepared to be gaslighted be prepared to be talked over be prepared to be humiliated so I I'll say do whatever you want but then you need to be prepared for what's going to come back at you and if you don't want those things to happen to you then don't do it so and I think people get sad they're saying are you telling me that all there's really left to talk about with my spouse if I don't want to fight with them is the weather and the change of season and that the freeway might be closed this weekend I'm like yep and they'll say I feel really sad and I said let's compared to what this relationship's been and like yeah that's been really sad too you know so I think that this don't go deep really shows the relationship for what it is and there's a lot of grief this whole process is riddled with grief people wanted these to be not just marriages that lasted but marriages that were healthy and had depth that they will never have and so radical acceptance is you can stay but this is never going to be a deep intimate connection

This is sad. I do not want this. I want to share and talk, I do not want to became someone I'm not just to avoid constant conflicts.

Roughly two weeks ago I wrote this letter to my partner. I write letters when I'm desperate to be heard and it seems they work better than a conversation but the effect is very short lived anyway and I never accomplished anything this way before.

I understand that you do not like me and cannot stand me. I get it. You do not need to remind me about it to make sure I remember. We live together, and we could have a nice life together or you can keep making our lives miserable. Every day you make choices. You can shout at me about a sponge or splashback or some other trivial every day issue. If this is who you are and who you want to be then just keep going. I’m used to it and it doesn’t hurt me any more. It is not pleasant though and our lives could be a lot better. It is only a matter of making different choices. We talked about it many times and I’m not going to repeat myself here again. You know that I’m not doing very well this year. I’m struggling with my life, I do not feel well and my health is deteriorating rapidly. I have been going on autopilot for a while and my routine keeps me going. Until it will not. I’m not asking for help or understanding. I’m asking for peace. I have enough issues going on and I do not need to face constant anger and abuse. Maybe this is all selfish but I’m tired. I do not think you like who you are right now and I miss you. The real you, not the person you are now. You have some expectations that I’m not fulfilling and meantime everyday life is a nightmare full of pettiness and totally avoidable arguments. You know that I do not want to argue with you, that I don’t do anything to spite you or annoy you. I’m just a human being, more forgetful than in the past and overloaded with work, health, sleep issues and so on. I will cope with it and survive and don’t really care if my life is pleasant or not. I’m too tired to care. We have a daughter, however, and this is still her childhood and should be the most pleasant time of her life. Meantime she listens to her mother telling her father to “fuck off” in any conversation. Do you think this is ok and teaches her to be a good person? Can you postpone your “revenge for all the years of suffering” a few more years until she grows up? You do not need to like me. I try not to interact and I’m staying out of your way. What else can I do? I’m not going to the office to stay out of the house. What I’m asking for in this letter is a bit of tolerance. If I make a mistake or forget about something it is not on purpose. Considering how I’m going I think I’m going to make more mistakes and forget even more. Unless I find a way to stop what is happening to me. If not, this might be the end of my life and soon I will blissfully forget everything. It is also possible that it is the reaction of my body to stress and what has been happening at home in recent years. Can we have some peace? Do I really need to move out to stop this chain of bad habits? You know that I do not want to do it but I will if this doesn't stop. Please look around you and notice your family and focus on humans not items. Maybe a plate is not cleaned properly but at least someone tried to help and clean it and it doesn’t matter. What matters is the people around you. They too have emotions, problems and dreams. Why not be with them instead of focusing on mistakes? I’m digressing again. The point is - I’m tired. I’m barely surviving from one day to the next and I’m begging here for peace. On any conditions.

https://youtu.be/xYuE5ZkDkig