hard truths

What do you do when your partner tells you that she wants you to kill you? How do you react to such news? How do you recover from it? can you even recover?

I'm in a very stable mental zone right now, mostly. Not many things can upset me. I managed to deaden myself so completely that I have no emotions left. I think this allowed me to just shrug this comment and move on. I keep telling myself that this is caused by some mental disorder and what comes from her mouth is not really true. I know I lie to myself. The sheer volume of poison dripping from each and every sentence is staggering. I do not remember a single sentence that was normal and didn't contain a side remark or some cruelty. 

I think I went too far trying to protect myself from the negativity and I'm so emotionally dead that I have no will to live my life any more. I have no goals, no desires, and just go through my everyday motions, as best I can, but there is not much joy in it. I try to stay cheerful for our daughter and make sure that her life is not affected. When I'm with her I'm genuinely happy. Seeing her smile is all I need. Without her I would have been lost.

This is a few weeks long post that just keeps on growing very slowly. I'm not as good as when I started to write it. Today I sit in a car and work as I cannot do it from home any more. There is no peace, no break.

On the weekend I was literally accused of getting up in the middle of night and doing things to my partner. She woke up with a swollen eye and decided that I must have done something when she was asleep. Apparently she is now "afraid to sleep in the same bed with her enemy". Honestly, this is too much. I tried to talk about it and she is clearly convinced that I do things to hurt her and spite her. She is so obsessed with herself that the notion of being in the centre of everyone's attention is totally normal and obviously other people have nothing better to do than plot against her and do things to her. I wish I could get over it and accept that this is a mental issue and stop caring. But it still hurts. Hurts so much when the closest person believes that I could think and behave that way.

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